The day hasn't gone as well as I'd liked...
This morning I woke up barely able to breath (as per usual) and didn't have a cigarette to help me cough up the phlegm off my lungs, which normally helps. By (ab)using a Ventolin inhaler, I managed to clear my airways and cough up the crap. I know this will get worse before it gets better. I'm not worried, I knew this was coming.
11AM: I've forgotten to put on the patch until a few minutes ago, but I'm feeling strong. I arrive to a doctor's appointment to be told the doctor is running late, and I have a few people in front of me still. I nearly walked outside, but knowing this is one of the triggers (killing time) I decided to sit in the surgery where I can't have a smoke. As I walk into the waiting room, I notice that there is no seats available (unless I want to squish in-between a family). I walk out the front. Not only do I want a smoke because I've left, but I'm also annoyed at the doctor being late (they always are, they should learn to manage their time better!). I'm even more annoyed that this is a private consultation that I'm paying for, while the other's I'm waiting for are likely getting it for free.
Looking back as I type this, I feel that my thinking (paid vs free) was very inconsiderate. Australia has a great health care system that I'm proud of, where many doctors will 'bulk bill' the government for essential services. My appointment was commercial in nature, and not covered by Medicare.
I walk across the road and buy a small pack of the cheapest cigarettes I can. I'm not opting for my usual brand as I want to enjoy it as little as possible. I have my first smoke and I feel sick - I'm not sure if it's the different brand, or if it's my determination to quit. I don't feel like I've failed yet, but I do realise that this isn't part of my goal. I still feel strong.
My appointment went really well, I had to have a medical assessment to determine my fitness as a professional driver - Public Hire Car Driver Authority. After the doctor told me to cough a few times (etc.) and a urinalysis I wasn't expecting, I'm given the all clear!
2PM: I've been coming in and out of offices for the last few hours, these are my usual triggers. I keep holding myself back. When it's time to go home, I have a smoke! :-( I still feel strong, and a little sick.
8PM: I've just enjoyed a really yummy roast dinner (chicken). This is one of the best times to have a smoke. I decide to have one, hoping that I would really enjoy it. I puff hard on it, trying to feel it in my throat. I feel nothing. I need another.
I haven't told +Liz Davison about my mishaps yet, and she starts knocking on the locked bedroom door (I'm smoking outside, on the other side of the bedroom). I tell her to wait a minute or walk around. I'm feeling ashamed for smoking, and hoping not to upset her. She does neither and looks out a window and can see me smoking. I'm hoping she isn't upset at me, as I haven't had a chance to explain...
I've told her all along I'm trying to quit, and I've offered no guarantees. I don't want her to feel the way I felt when I caught her smoking after she had quit. I will not lie about my smoking, and don't feel I should need to.
I haven't told +Liz Davison about my mishaps yet, and she starts knocking on the locked bedroom door (I'm smoking outside, on the other side of the bedroom). I tell her to wait a minute or walk around. I'm feeling ashamed for smoking, and hoping not to upset her. She does neither and looks out a window and can see me smoking. I'm hoping she isn't upset at me, as I haven't had a chance to explain...
I've told her all along I'm trying to quit, and I've offered no guarantees. I don't want her to feel the way I felt when I caught her smoking after she had quit. I will not lie about my smoking, and don't feel I should need to.
9PM: +Liz Davison talks to me about a trip she's been planning for us (and my 12 year old daughter) for the last bit of the school holidays, I get annoyed at her plans for no real reason at all, and don't even try and negotiate something that would make us both happy. I go and have a smoke. This time I don't feel so strong, and feel like I have failed. The cigarette does not help.
11PM: I'm finishing up this blog post now, I'm reserving a cigarette to smoke tonight as I know the cravings are very strong. I realise now that I need to start managing and avoiding triggers better. While I have been writing this, I have not felt like a smoke - until I think about finishing up (a normal trigger). I will not allow myself any further cigarettes tonight, no matter how strong the cravings are.
If you're a non-smoker, you'll probably think that I've not been successful. If you're a smoker, you'll see that I have been.
I didn't do as well on my first day as I had hoped. This is just day 1, of what I imagine will be a very long time.
I've smoked less than a quarter of what I usually do. I can't remember the last time I did this.
Got any tips for me? Please leave them in the comments section on this blog post.
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